Why my weight loss is a victory

Minutes after I posted a status this morning about how I am down 7-8 pounds since April, I saw a post on BodyBuilding.com's Facebook page.  They do weekly transformations, and this week there was a woman who lost 11 pounds and 5% body fat.  Instead of commending her for her victory of losing weight despite a challenge with traveling for her job and being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, many criticized BodyBuilding.com for posting this transformation because she only lost 11 pounds.  In a country where there is an obesity epidemic, it apparently only counts as a victory if you are morbidly obese when you lose weight?  Whatever.  It made me think about my own weight loss journey, and why it is truly kick ass that I have lost any weight at all.

Ever since I was 13 years old, I have struggled on and off with an eating disorder.  I can pinpoint the conversation that began my struggle with my body image that began over a year before my disordered eating even manifested.  My brother accused me of being fat, and when I tattled on him, my mother suggested that I start paying more attention to what I was eating.  Now, before you silently curse my family for being mean, I was overweight and unhealthy at the age of 12.

Only 2 years before, my 10 year-old self had a pretty rockin', muscular bod.  I played lots of kickball at recess and PE, I played basketball for the school, I rode my bike around town just for the heck of it, and I had frequent fights with my brother.  I was in shape, and then my family moved to Iowa from Missouri and suddenly I ballooned probably 20 pounds over the course of one summer.  We lived out of town, I didn't know anyone, I didn't have anything to do, and all my brother and I did while my parents were at work during the day was fight over who got to be on the computer and for how long.  My parents moved us again halfway through the school year, and I continued to gain weight.  It turns out, when you're a bit chunky in middle school, people are going to make fun of you.  Who knew?

We moved yet again in the middle of my 7th grade year to Lone Tree, Iowa.  At this time, I was about 5' tall and weighed 128 pounds.  In Lone Tree, I was able to get more involved in school because we stuck around for longer than a semester, so I started playing basketball again and became healthier.  We finally lived in town, so I could walk the few blocks to school and home.  In 8th grade, I also took up track and cheerleading in addition to basketball.  My weight leveled out, but I still got made fun of some.  Not only was I a little bit overweight, but I also developed curves before my peers, which got me more attention than I wanted.  I started to pay more attention to what I was eating at the end of my 8th grade year, skipping breakfast and eating smaller portions at lunch and dinner.

I began to lose weight, and it felt good.  I wanted to keep going.  During that summer, I knew I could get exercise by being in softball, but it wasn't enough.  I had to eat less, and work out more.  We had some workout equipment at home, so with a strict workout regimen, I managed at least 2 hours of exercise per day.  As I lost more and more weight, I got more and more addicted to the feeling of control.  My pants were too big, my breasts were getting smaller, and people were noticing my weight loss.  I was (or felt) in control of what was going on with my body.  I found excuses not to eat dinner, and I was purging what few calories (probably less than 400 on many days) I did take in through various methods.

I had grown little in height, but lost 20 pounds over the course of a few months.  I could see my mother getting scared, and ultimately it got to the point that one night that she would not let me leave the house for fear I was going to purge the small amount of food she had just witnessed me eat.  Shortly after, I was made to go to counseling and get on anti-depressants.  I also became a bottomless pit and got back to a healthy weight.

I maintained a healthy weight throughout high school, though it fluctuated a few pounds as I continued to struggle through sporadic binge/purge episodes.  My weight fluctuated a little bit more during college.  The sporadic episodes of disordered eating have continued throughout the years, with the most recent being only a few months ago.

So, you see, I have struggled with my body image and eating for almost half of my life at this point.  My weight loss is a victory, though it may not seem like it to some, because I have done it by making lots of small changes.  My goal was not to lose weight, but to have a healthier lifestyle through altering my exercise and eating habits in a truly healthy way. So to many, 7-8 pounds may not seem like anything to be proud of, but it is the first time in my entire life I have lost weight in a healthy way.   And I feel like I climbed a mountain.