Another year, another confession

Hello again, everyone.  I seem to be on schedule for writing 1-2 posts a year, so here's one for you now.  This is highly related to my most popular blog post from almost exactly one year ago.  If you haven't read that, and would like to, you can do so here.  It is not required for this post.  Trigger warning for those with eating/body image issues.

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I sat down in my car and put the key in the ignition, though it took me a couple of tries.  My left eye was itching from the tears that were caught in it since I was trying so hard to hold them back as I walked through the parking lot, and the lump in my throat made it next to impossible to talk.  All I wanted to do tonight after work was to get my free assessment by a personal trainer, and I thought that it wasn't going to be a problem.  After all, I just wanted a few tips to get me in better shape to run a 10k and be better at weight training.

I should have known to say "no" when the trainer asked me to get on the scale.  I was nervous about it all day.  I could have told him my weight; I wouldn't even have lied about it.  This scale was not only going to tell him my weight, but also tell him exactly how fat I was (to most people with a healthy mindset, this is called "body fat percentage").  How do you say no to something like that, though?  I thought, If I say no, he's just going to think I'm not serious about this, or that I'm prissy.  Alternatively, I could explain, "Sorry, Complete Stranger, I have an eating disorder and would really rather not completely ruin my night as I have been having a really rough time with my body image and how I'm dealing with it lately." Yeah, no.  Neither of those options seemed great at the time.  I even considered just getting up and leaving at that point.  Instead, I chose to just step on the scale.  How bad could it be?

The answer is: very.  It was very bad.  I made him do the body fat percentage twice, because it was much, much higher than any other test I had done.  I told him, "Disregard it; that number is inaccurate.  Seriously.  I've done those other tests, like the body fat calipers and the electric handheld thing, you know?"  So much for not making him think I'm prissy.  In my defense, the number it said would actually have qualified me as obese.  As messed up as my body image is, I know that I am not obese.  I am far from it.  I don't know why I feel compelled to defend myself.  Even if I were obese, my reaction would still not have been a normal one.  And then it ruined the whole rest of my session.  And then I hated myself for letting it get to me so much; Why can't I just get over it?  No matter how much to trainer complimented me ("You're very athletic," and, "You're very coachable," and, "It's so nice to work with people who aren't afraid to try hard."), I couldn't get past my embarrassment of how terribly fat I felt after my initial assessment and the self-loathing that followed.

After my assessment and solo workout afterward (which only helped to clear my head until I walked out the door), I spent some time sitting in the parking lot texting people, asking for reassurance and balking at the injustice that is the body fat scale at that gym.  I needed some numerical reassurance, as well.  I spent some time while driving home calling around to a couple of places and asking if they had body fat calipers.  They didn't.  I stopped in Ankeny to ask a couple of places if they had body fat calipers.  They didn't.  Honestly, my only triumph for the evening was that when I stood in front of the body fat scales in Target, I decided against buying a $40 scale after my search for the body fat calipers failed.  All this time, my head was pounding, I was light headed, and my heart was racing.  I was having a freaking anxiety attack because of this stupid scale at the gym.

Now, as I sit at home and think about that experience, it makes me realize how truly far I feel that I have regressed in the last year since I wrote about how far I had come.  This truly is a lifelong struggle.  I'm telling you this not because I want sympathy or reassurance that I am so gorgeous, or because I think my problems are any more important than anyone else's, but because maybe someone can relate and my story can help that person see that it's a problem for them.  This story from tonight is really just the tip of the iceberg for me and what I've been going through lately.  I saw myself slipping months ago and decided to go back to counseling, but then stopped going when my insurance switched with the new job and just haven't started, and I have slipped even further still since I stopped.  I'm going to call first thing tomorrow and go back, because I need someone to talk to.  Internet, I'm telling you this because I know you are so nice all the time ( ;) ).  If you feel like this could help anyone you know, please share it.

Getting Acquainted to Adult Life/Life as a New Professional

It is very incredibly weird not being in school.  From May-September when I didn't have a job, it was okay because it was like a summer break.  I am not a person who had a summer break for a very long time, even during college, but it still seemed acceptable.  In the fall and now again for the spring semester, it was so strange to see posts about people going back to school and not be participating.  I have been able to keep myself pretty busy because I go to the gym 4-5 nights a week and I drive 2 hours a day for my commute, but sometimes it still feels like I'm not really doing anything with my time because I don't have any homework.  I even signed up for a free online class in philosophy starting in March because I want to be learning something.

That's not to say that I'm not learning at all.  I do honestly think that I'm learning a lot every day at work.  Starting in October, I have been working at my first full-time job ever.  It was rocky to begin with; honestly, I thought for a time that I was going to go nuts (and sort of did for a while).  It wasn't what I expected and I didn't have the kind of freedom that I wanted to begin with.  I fell in love with the people that I work with instantly, but since the position wasn't what I expected, I became negative when I didn't make the kind of progress I wanted as quickly as I felt I should.  Over time, I have been able to navigate the position and how to make it my own, but still work within the expectations set forth in my job description.  I have been in my role for just over three months, and have people come to me for ideas and ask me to do additional work on top of my position.  I have been able to push forward some new ideas and start the process of coordinating some events.  My role is to enroll students, so I think that if I am allowed to do so many additional projects, that must mean that I'm doing okay.

Here are some things I'm doing in addition to my basic job requirements that I think are going to be awesome as I move forward in my career:

• Develop our military friendly webpage based on the best practices in serving veterans
• Assist in the assessment of student priorities/engagement and orientation programming and implement changes as necessary
• Coordinate events to draw in new students and retain current students
• Develop marketing materials for events and enrollment
• Blog for our new social media campaign
• Get involved in a young professionals group committee to network (this is also a personal commitment I wanted to make)

I think my main issue was that I needed to realize how slowly things happen.  I am impatient, and have had to really start to work on not being that way.  All-in-all, things are shaping up nicely.  I just can't wait to move somewhere closer so that I don't have to drive so much every day.  I'm really excited to see how things shape up in the coming months!

who i am

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am.  I've had nothing but time to think about it so far this summer, especially when I have to think about myself so much before I go into interviews.  My summer has consisted of: applying for jobs, thinking, working out, reading lots of books, crying, being angry at the world, watching TV, and playing video games.  All in all, I've actually kept very busy doing those things, but I'm starting to get kind of bored.  I need something more meaningful to do.  Every day, I feel like I'm on the brink of losing it.  So now, I'm going to bare all and talk about who I really, really am: the good and the bad, and who I would really like to be.

I am, and always have been, REALLY sensitive.  Ever since I was really young, I was usually pretty good because if I felt badly about doing something, I would cry from the guilt.  To this very day, if I know that I've legitimately hurt someone's feelings, I will cry because I would never want to hurt anyone.  I've cried at a Hallmark commercial before (You know, the one where there is an older woman who checks her mail every day and never has any, so a young boy sends her a Hallmark card.  She is deeply touched by receiving the card.).  I frequently want to read and watch TV/movies alone because I will probably cry at some point.  I have an ex-boyfriend who, while he was watching me read The Deathly Hallows, kept asking me where I was in the book because he knew when I was going to cry because my favorite character died in the book, and he wanted to make sure he was able to console me (Or laugh.  Maybe both.).  Embarrassing as it may be, I actually really like this about myself because I know how deeply I feel things and make a true connection.  There is an innocence about it.  I want to keep being impacted emotionally by the thoughts of others being in pain, because I want my life's work to be about easing the pain and minimizing the struggles of others.  I can't do that unless I can truly feel.

Yeah, laugh it up, you unfeeling jerks.

I get angry about silly stuff sometimes.  I have some road rage, sure.  I'll swear at people after they cut me off or go 15 MPH below the speed limit.  I don't think that's rare.  I don't want to be angry and depressed about my life right now, but I am.  I do well with clear cut disagreements most of the time--if I'm fighting with someone, I'll ask for my space so I don't say something that I'll regret and then revisit the issue after I've had a chance to breathe.  However, when people try to make me feel better about my life and my job search by saying cliche things like "It will all work out eventually," I get really angry and tell them to stop trying to make me feel better.  I don't think that my wanting to rant or being generally frustrated with my currently unemployed status is invalid, but I shouldn't get angry with people who just want to make me not hate my life.  I'm working on it--usually it just includes me keeping my mouth shut and letting my fury pass.  I shouldn't be mad at them, I'm just frustrated with my job search, and that's not their fault.  I'm also learning the importance of asking people what they want me to do when they're upset, and what would honestly make them feel better (Hopefully they have some sort of idea!  Sometimes I'm not sure what I want, either.).  I definitely do not want to give unsolicited advice.  If someone just wants an ear, I can do that.

More often than I'd like to admit, I don't even really like myself.  Most of the time, I feel like there is nothing that I'm really all that good at; for some reason, just being me makes me deficient.  I have always felt that I have that whole "jack of all trades, master of none" thing going on.  I am really sad about my life right now because almost every day I feel like a failure since I am unemployed with a master's degree, despite having had many interviews; I feel I should be able to rise above that sadness for the benefit of others, and hate it when it doesn't work out that way.  I want to get a job that will be fulfilling and allow me to help others and have a small part in making the world a better place, but I know at this point that I may have to settle for something for the time being, and that makes me feel awful.  I just always have this feeling of not quite measuring up, and it's not everyone else's job to constantly affirm my worth.  I have to learn how to value myself, and I'm not even sure how to go about doing that sometimes.

I am resilient.  While I may argue that I have been slightly less resilient as of late, I am trying to use this transitional (or maybe stagnant?) part of my life to learn about myself and grow.  I've also gone through a lot of crap in my life, and have been told on more than one occasion that it's a wonder that I turned out as well as I did.  When people would say this to me, I would simply think "Life goes on.  Whatever.  I did what I had to do."  But when I really think about it, I honestly do try to use my pain to make me better.  Whenever something bad happens, whether I'm optimistic or not, I make a conscious effort to learn something from it.  Does that mean I'm completely over every bad thing that's ever happened to me?  No.  It still sometimes knocks me on my ass when I think about my mom--I dread Mother's Day every year.  Even when I'm talking about the good stuff, I usually have to fight back tears.  I just miss her.  Just last week, I woke up from a dream sobbing uncontrollably because I was having a normal, everyday conversation with my mom in it, and I had never dreamt about her before.  And even though it sucks, and always will hurt to think that my mom will be missing from many major milestones in my life (and the mundane), I use that pain to motivate me.  I use it to make me better.

All of that being said, I'm doing my best to use this time of unemployment to do something useful.  I'm applying for jobs, but I'm trying to make myself better in the meantime.  How can I represent myself to the world (and prospective employers) authentically?  How can I really begin to like myself most of the time for who I am, flaws and all?  I have been unemployed for two months now, and while I'm incredibly bored and feel like I'm ready to move forward, maybe I have needed this time to think about the direction of my life.  I haven't slowed down to do that for a long time, even though most of grad school was about reflecting.  I spent that time reflecting on things that happened to me in the past, or activities/programming/schoolwork that I had just completed.  I didn't think about who I am in the grand scheme of things and where I am going from here.  It is definitely a process.

50 Shades of Grey: Complicating your sex life?

Is 50 Shades of Grey complicating your sex life or views on sex?  No?  Well, maybe it should.  I will not contest many of the arguments made about the book, such as it being poorly written, some pretty messed up relationship things (like stalking, control issues, and temper issues, among others), the portrayal of the BDSM lifestyle as a result of a tumultuous childhood that must be fixed (by the love of a woman!), the possessiveness Christian has over Anastasia, and the fact that the main character can say anything BUT the correct anatomical names for people's genitalia.  However, I will share a perspective I have not seen anyone write about (you know, because it's positive):  they had talked about what was and wasn't okay during sex before they even did it.  Anastasia researched the things that were on the list of kinks Christian gave her and gave thought to what she would and would not be okay with trying.  Christian assured her that he would not do anything she did not want to do, and there was a safe word established (which Anastasia later used, and Christian stopped what he was doing).  How many people have these kinds of conversations before they engage in a sexual relationship with someone?  I would make the argument that it is probably not nearly enough.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this after reading the series.  Regardless of what your opinions are on the books as a whole, looking at the books from a feminist lens got me thinking about the importance of communication as it pertains to gender roles, sex, and consent.  If you are sexually active to any degree, do you talk to your partner about what you do or don't like before you engage in any activities?  Do you talk about what you enjoy during?  Do you discuss new things you've tried afterward, including how they made you feel and why?  If you don't, how are you going to know what you or your partner enjoys or what they are okay with?  I would argue that not talking openly about what you enjoy is really doing yourself a disservice, and can lead to some problems in the relationship.  Some might argue that all that talk will slow things down and make things less sexy.  If you don't talk about it, however,  not only might you not find sex as enjoyable as it could be, but without an open line of communication there could be some things that your partner does that make you truly uncomfortable.  The need to obtain consent doesn't just stop after the first time you have sex with someone, it continues throughout your entire sexual relationship and during every sexual activity in which you engage.

I think that these conversations can be difficult, especially considering the gender roles that permeate society.  For men, the role is to be dominant and aggressive.  Men are supposed to obtain as much sex as possible by using whatever means necessary.  Women are supposed to be compliant and virginal.  These roles are oppressive for both men and women, and really complicate sex--making it entirely too difficult to communicate about it openly.  While there are many negative things about the 50 Shades of Grey series, I hope that some people saw their (somewhat) open communication about and took it back to their own partner or plan to talk more openly about it when they do choose to engage in any sexual activity.  If people open up the lines of communication, there will be more consensual, mutually pleasurable sex on this planet, which can only put us closer to gender equity.  And that's okay with me.

Why my weight loss is a victory

Minutes after I posted a status this morning about how I am down 7-8 pounds since April, I saw a post on BodyBuilding.com's Facebook page.  They do weekly transformations, and this week there was a woman who lost 11 pounds and 5% body fat.  Instead of commending her for her victory of losing weight despite a challenge with traveling for her job and being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, many criticized BodyBuilding.com for posting this transformation because she only lost 11 pounds.  In a country where there is an obesity epidemic, it apparently only counts as a victory if you are morbidly obese when you lose weight?  Whatever.  It made me think about my own weight loss journey, and why it is truly kick ass that I have lost any weight at all.

Ever since I was 13 years old, I have struggled on and off with an eating disorder.  I can pinpoint the conversation that began my struggle with my body image that began over a year before my disordered eating even manifested.  My brother accused me of being fat, and when I tattled on him, my mother suggested that I start paying more attention to what I was eating.  Now, before you silently curse my family for being mean, I was overweight and unhealthy at the age of 12.

Only 2 years before, my 10 year-old self had a pretty rockin', muscular bod.  I played lots of kickball at recess and PE, I played basketball for the school, I rode my bike around town just for the heck of it, and I had frequent fights with my brother.  I was in shape, and then my family moved to Iowa from Missouri and suddenly I ballooned probably 20 pounds over the course of one summer.  We lived out of town, I didn't know anyone, I didn't have anything to do, and all my brother and I did while my parents were at work during the day was fight over who got to be on the computer and for how long.  My parents moved us again halfway through the school year, and I continued to gain weight.  It turns out, when you're a bit chunky in middle school, people are going to make fun of you.  Who knew?

We moved yet again in the middle of my 7th grade year to Lone Tree, Iowa.  At this time, I was about 5' tall and weighed 128 pounds.  In Lone Tree, I was able to get more involved in school because we stuck around for longer than a semester, so I started playing basketball again and became healthier.  We finally lived in town, so I could walk the few blocks to school and home.  In 8th grade, I also took up track and cheerleading in addition to basketball.  My weight leveled out, but I still got made fun of some.  Not only was I a little bit overweight, but I also developed curves before my peers, which got me more attention than I wanted.  I started to pay more attention to what I was eating at the end of my 8th grade year, skipping breakfast and eating smaller portions at lunch and dinner.

I began to lose weight, and it felt good.  I wanted to keep going.  During that summer, I knew I could get exercise by being in softball, but it wasn't enough.  I had to eat less, and work out more.  We had some workout equipment at home, so with a strict workout regimen, I managed at least 2 hours of exercise per day.  As I lost more and more weight, I got more and more addicted to the feeling of control.  My pants were too big, my breasts were getting smaller, and people were noticing my weight loss.  I was (or felt) in control of what was going on with my body.  I found excuses not to eat dinner, and I was purging what few calories (probably less than 400 on many days) I did take in through various methods.

I had grown little in height, but lost 20 pounds over the course of a few months.  I could see my mother getting scared, and ultimately it got to the point that one night that she would not let me leave the house for fear I was going to purge the small amount of food she had just witnessed me eat.  Shortly after, I was made to go to counseling and get on anti-depressants.  I also became a bottomless pit and got back to a healthy weight.

I maintained a healthy weight throughout high school, though it fluctuated a few pounds as I continued to struggle through sporadic binge/purge episodes.  My weight fluctuated a little bit more during college.  The sporadic episodes of disordered eating have continued throughout the years, with the most recent being only a few months ago.

So, you see, I have struggled with my body image and eating for almost half of my life at this point.  My weight loss is a victory, though it may not seem like it to some, because I have done it by making lots of small changes.  My goal was not to lose weight, but to have a healthier lifestyle through altering my exercise and eating habits in a truly healthy way. So to many, 7-8 pounds may not seem like anything to be proud of, but it is the first time in my entire life I have lost weight in a healthy way.   And I feel like I climbed a mountain.

Fitbit

At the end of April, as a gift to myself (and as a motivator to keep active and moving), I decided to invest in a Fitbit. A Fitbit is basically a pedometer on steroids.  It tracks your steps, the distance you've traveled, has a 3D sensor, an altimeter (to gauge how many flights of stairs/hills you go up), gives you an overall score for how active you have been for the day, tells you how well you are sleeping and how much, and estimates how many calories you've burned based on your height/weight and your activity levels.  It does all of this, and is small enough for my to slip onto my bra so that no one even knows that it is there!  Other options are on your pants or in your pants pocket--for those who don't want to reach down their shirt during the day or for those who don't wear a bra.

You can look at how you're doing throughout the day by checking the Fitbit, but you can also log food, activities (if you'd like to or if you are doing an activity that isn't tracked well by the device, like yoga, weight lifting, or bike riding), weight, heart rate, blood pressure, and glucose on the website.  You can set a weight goal for yourself or change your goals for how many steps you'd like to take, flights of stairs, distance, activity, and how many calories you'd like to burn.  If you choose a weight loss goal, you can also put when you'd like to achieve your goal and it will tell you how many calories you can eat during the day based on your ongoing activity levels, which I think is really cool.

The website tracking is easy to navigate and fairly intuitive, as long as you are at a computer often enough to track things.  The fact that it is a website is convenient because that means it is easily accessible if you use more than one computer throughout the day.  You can also get a free app if you have a smartphone that will allow you to track your activities, food, or weight on the go.  I actually have not partaken in a lot of the online or smartphone tracking of how many calories I've eaten or the other metrics, but I've really enjoyed looking at how active I am (or am not) throughout the day and challenging myself to keep moving.  I have also been able to see how much I am truly sleeping at night (which generally has not been as much as I thought, either).  I have been able to see myself being a little more proactive and motivated as far as getting more steps throughout the day or taking more little walks to make sure I hit or get close to my 10,000 steps a day goal.  It was amazing to me to learn that in an average day, I was generally at least a couple thousand steps away from my goal if I don't make it to the gym (If I'm being honest, I haven't been that great about it lately!).

Yet another really awesome thing about the Fitbit is that if you have friends who also have a Fitbit (I am currently at only one), you can see how they are doing and even get a little bit of competition going.  I personally do not see it as a competition *cough cough* Peter *cough cough*, but it is really cool to be able to connect in that way if you want to be encouraging or know how others are progressing on their goals.

I would say that for $99, the Fitbit was an excellent investment for me, and I hope that some of you who are reading this consider getting one, as well.  I think it is a great tool no matter what your goals are. Whether your goal is to lose weight, get more active, or even just a cheap way to monitor your sleep, I would highly recommend the Fitbit.  The only thing that I hope changes in the future is that it starts to support syncing with your cell phone throughout the day so that you do not have to be near your computer (a USB dock/charger comes with the Fitbit and will sync the Fitbit with your computer within a 15ft range).  However, this is not a deal breaker for me, because the only thing I truly need to look at during the day that I cannot see on the actual device is how well I just slept, which is not a huge issue.  Not having support to sync the Fitbit with my phone also does not change that I can still log activities or food with the app throughout the day if I so choose.  A small inconvenience for such a handy device.  GO BUY ONE...NOW (you know, if you can afford it and whatnot)!

Here is a video about Fitbit:

graduation and growing up.

I am starting a completely new chapter of my life.  Or, well, it's started and I just haven't really accepted it yet.  Or I'm in this limbo where I have no idea where I'm going to work, which has an impact on just about every other facet of my life.  So, I was sitting at my laptop this morning and thinking about something productive I could do with my time.  I thought, "I have always wanted to really keep up on a blog.  But what would I blog about?  I really can't be all that interesting."  I have decided, after much contemplation, that I don't care if I'm not that interesting to that many people.  I'm just going to go for it because I have nothing better to do right at this very moment.  What will I talk about?  I will talk about my life, news, books, movies, TV, gadgets I want/got/feel like I reallyreallyreally need but probably don't.  That being said, I hope you really enjoy what I have to offer.

I was having a conversation with a friend about what it means to be a grown-up and how you know if you're a grown up.  His theory was that if you can look back about three years and not think you were a complete idiot, then you're a grown up.  That's slightly simplified (but only slightly), and I didn't write down exact quotes, so I'm sorry if you read this and feel like I butchered your theory.  And then I watched a video that seemed incredibly timely:

Hank says it really well.  There are no hard lines, nothing concrete to define what is or isn't an adult, and you can still pay your taxes, have good credit, have a job, have a social life, and be silly.  I don't want to lose my silliness or nerdiness.  I want to watch my TV shows, cry at them, read lots of books, play lots of video games, and still manage to pay my bills and generally have my crap together enough to buy a house and have nice things like a good car and be able to take a vacation every now and again (and be able to afford my technology habit).  It has been important to me to do all of those things that keep me me and not get bogged down by everything else that has been going on.  This has been difficult, but I think that so far I've managed to find a good balance and think that I have a good hold on things.  I think about things from multiple perspectives and try to balance logic with emotion when I am making my decisions.  My point is that I will probably never know, and I will probably never just call myself an adult without cringing just a little, but not because I think being an adult is bad.  To be human is to be fluid and is contextual; in some situations I will probably be way more adult than the people I'm with, and in other situations, I will probably regress to childhood depending on what triggers me.  

Since I am presently in a transitional stage of my life, I have also been considering my support system and how I still fit into the world I have created for myself.  What still works, and what doesn't work?  What do I need to change?  I feel like since things are in flux, I have the ability to make things into what I want them to be (to a certain extent).  This has been really important to me.  However, I have also lost a sense of control over my life and I like, which has provided me with a lot of anxiety.  I would like to say that I can go with the flow, but the unknown is just really freaking me out.  This is not to say that I am not still an adaptable human being; I feel like I have shown my adaptability and resiliency through many of the experiences I have had throughout my life.  I just have to keep in mind that those are very different concepts.  For years and years now, I have been wanting my life to settle down.  I want to live in one place for longer than a year, I want to have a job, I want people who are permanent fixtures in my life.  My life up until this point has not really lent itself to that; people are constantly moving away and things are always changing.  I accept the change, but I wonder if it is ever going to slow down.  People will always come and go, homes will always come and go, jobs will always come and go.  Am I naive to think that the change will slow down at all?  I haven't decided yet.  Even if some of the changes slow down, there will be other changes and transitions to go through.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.