who i am

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am.  I've had nothing but time to think about it so far this summer, especially when I have to think about myself so much before I go into interviews.  My summer has consisted of: applying for jobs, thinking, working out, reading lots of books, crying, being angry at the world, watching TV, and playing video games.  All in all, I've actually kept very busy doing those things, but I'm starting to get kind of bored.  I need something more meaningful to do.  Every day, I feel like I'm on the brink of losing it.  So now, I'm going to bare all and talk about who I really, really am: the good and the bad, and who I would really like to be.

I am, and always have been, REALLY sensitive.  Ever since I was really young, I was usually pretty good because if I felt badly about doing something, I would cry from the guilt.  To this very day, if I know that I've legitimately hurt someone's feelings, I will cry because I would never want to hurt anyone.  I've cried at a Hallmark commercial before (You know, the one where there is an older woman who checks her mail every day and never has any, so a young boy sends her a Hallmark card.  She is deeply touched by receiving the card.).  I frequently want to read and watch TV/movies alone because I will probably cry at some point.  I have an ex-boyfriend who, while he was watching me read The Deathly Hallows, kept asking me where I was in the book because he knew when I was going to cry because my favorite character died in the book, and he wanted to make sure he was able to console me (Or laugh.  Maybe both.).  Embarrassing as it may be, I actually really like this about myself because I know how deeply I feel things and make a true connection.  There is an innocence about it.  I want to keep being impacted emotionally by the thoughts of others being in pain, because I want my life's work to be about easing the pain and minimizing the struggles of others.  I can't do that unless I can truly feel.

Yeah, laugh it up, you unfeeling jerks.

I get angry about silly stuff sometimes.  I have some road rage, sure.  I'll swear at people after they cut me off or go 15 MPH below the speed limit.  I don't think that's rare.  I don't want to be angry and depressed about my life right now, but I am.  I do well with clear cut disagreements most of the time--if I'm fighting with someone, I'll ask for my space so I don't say something that I'll regret and then revisit the issue after I've had a chance to breathe.  However, when people try to make me feel better about my life and my job search by saying cliche things like "It will all work out eventually," I get really angry and tell them to stop trying to make me feel better.  I don't think that my wanting to rant or being generally frustrated with my currently unemployed status is invalid, but I shouldn't get angry with people who just want to make me not hate my life.  I'm working on it--usually it just includes me keeping my mouth shut and letting my fury pass.  I shouldn't be mad at them, I'm just frustrated with my job search, and that's not their fault.  I'm also learning the importance of asking people what they want me to do when they're upset, and what would honestly make them feel better (Hopefully they have some sort of idea!  Sometimes I'm not sure what I want, either.).  I definitely do not want to give unsolicited advice.  If someone just wants an ear, I can do that.

More often than I'd like to admit, I don't even really like myself.  Most of the time, I feel like there is nothing that I'm really all that good at; for some reason, just being me makes me deficient.  I have always felt that I have that whole "jack of all trades, master of none" thing going on.  I am really sad about my life right now because almost every day I feel like a failure since I am unemployed with a master's degree, despite having had many interviews; I feel I should be able to rise above that sadness for the benefit of others, and hate it when it doesn't work out that way.  I want to get a job that will be fulfilling and allow me to help others and have a small part in making the world a better place, but I know at this point that I may have to settle for something for the time being, and that makes me feel awful.  I just always have this feeling of not quite measuring up, and it's not everyone else's job to constantly affirm my worth.  I have to learn how to value myself, and I'm not even sure how to go about doing that sometimes.

I am resilient.  While I may argue that I have been slightly less resilient as of late, I am trying to use this transitional (or maybe stagnant?) part of my life to learn about myself and grow.  I've also gone through a lot of crap in my life, and have been told on more than one occasion that it's a wonder that I turned out as well as I did.  When people would say this to me, I would simply think "Life goes on.  Whatever.  I did what I had to do."  But when I really think about it, I honestly do try to use my pain to make me better.  Whenever something bad happens, whether I'm optimistic or not, I make a conscious effort to learn something from it.  Does that mean I'm completely over every bad thing that's ever happened to me?  No.  It still sometimes knocks me on my ass when I think about my mom--I dread Mother's Day every year.  Even when I'm talking about the good stuff, I usually have to fight back tears.  I just miss her.  Just last week, I woke up from a dream sobbing uncontrollably because I was having a normal, everyday conversation with my mom in it, and I had never dreamt about her before.  And even though it sucks, and always will hurt to think that my mom will be missing from many major milestones in my life (and the mundane), I use that pain to motivate me.  I use it to make me better.

All of that being said, I'm doing my best to use this time of unemployment to do something useful.  I'm applying for jobs, but I'm trying to make myself better in the meantime.  How can I represent myself to the world (and prospective employers) authentically?  How can I really begin to like myself most of the time for who I am, flaws and all?  I have been unemployed for two months now, and while I'm incredibly bored and feel like I'm ready to move forward, maybe I have needed this time to think about the direction of my life.  I haven't slowed down to do that for a long time, even though most of grad school was about reflecting.  I spent that time reflecting on things that happened to me in the past, or activities/programming/schoolwork that I had just completed.  I didn't think about who I am in the grand scheme of things and where I am going from here.  It is definitely a process.