50 Shades of Grey: Complicating your sex life?

Is 50 Shades of Grey complicating your sex life or views on sex?  No?  Well, maybe it should.  I will not contest many of the arguments made about the book, such as it being poorly written, some pretty messed up relationship things (like stalking, control issues, and temper issues, among others), the portrayal of the BDSM lifestyle as a result of a tumultuous childhood that must be fixed (by the love of a woman!), the possessiveness Christian has over Anastasia, and the fact that the main character can say anything BUT the correct anatomical names for people's genitalia.  However, I will share a perspective I have not seen anyone write about (you know, because it's positive):  they had talked about what was and wasn't okay during sex before they even did it.  Anastasia researched the things that were on the list of kinks Christian gave her and gave thought to what she would and would not be okay with trying.  Christian assured her that he would not do anything she did not want to do, and there was a safe word established (which Anastasia later used, and Christian stopped what he was doing).  How many people have these kinds of conversations before they engage in a sexual relationship with someone?  I would make the argument that it is probably not nearly enough.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this after reading the series.  Regardless of what your opinions are on the books as a whole, looking at the books from a feminist lens got me thinking about the importance of communication as it pertains to gender roles, sex, and consent.  If you are sexually active to any degree, do you talk to your partner about what you do or don't like before you engage in any activities?  Do you talk about what you enjoy during?  Do you discuss new things you've tried afterward, including how they made you feel and why?  If you don't, how are you going to know what you or your partner enjoys or what they are okay with?  I would argue that not talking openly about what you enjoy is really doing yourself a disservice, and can lead to some problems in the relationship.  Some might argue that all that talk will slow things down and make things less sexy.  If you don't talk about it, however,  not only might you not find sex as enjoyable as it could be, but without an open line of communication there could be some things that your partner does that make you truly uncomfortable.  The need to obtain consent doesn't just stop after the first time you have sex with someone, it continues throughout your entire sexual relationship and during every sexual activity in which you engage.

I think that these conversations can be difficult, especially considering the gender roles that permeate society.  For men, the role is to be dominant and aggressive.  Men are supposed to obtain as much sex as possible by using whatever means necessary.  Women are supposed to be compliant and virginal.  These roles are oppressive for both men and women, and really complicate sex--making it entirely too difficult to communicate about it openly.  While there are many negative things about the 50 Shades of Grey series, I hope that some people saw their (somewhat) open communication about and took it back to their own partner or plan to talk more openly about it when they do choose to engage in any sexual activity.  If people open up the lines of communication, there will be more consensual, mutually pleasurable sex on this planet, which can only put us closer to gender equity.  And that's okay with me.